Chasing Love
I've always said that no matter how much I read or study, there are two things I will never understand: God and Women. This blog is in regards to the latter, women. It has been a while since I've dated a gal or even had any prospects, and my friends don't seem to understand why. Well, the truth is that I don't know why either. All I know is that trying to find that special 'someone' is somewhat analogous to sinking in quicksand. The more you 'struggle' to find love, the faster you sink. You basically need to wait for love to come find you. I'm not saying that a woman will sweep me off my feet (I hope I do the 'sweeping'), what I'm saying is that love isn't pursued, but just happens naturally.
This is a very hard thing to accept in a world where emphasis is placed on being in control (or at least having the illusion of control). We're taught that if we put our minds to 'it', we can do anything. This seems to be true when talking about acquiring things... money, power, knowledge, happiness, etc... If you try hard enough you can acquire these things; however, this is not true of love. The harder you try to find love or force it to 'happen', the harder it is to find.
Now, lately I find myself desiring love and companionship, but find its not something that can be 'caught' easily. I find that it's a lot like trying to fall asleep on a sleepless night... the more I think about trying to sleep, the harder it becomes to fall asleep. But, as soon as I quit worrying about sleeping, I will most likely fall asleep.
My friends don't seem to understand why I'm having a hard time finding companionship. To them it seems that I get along with women quite easily and I have female friends, so what's the problem? They also confuse my desire for companionship with 'desperation'. Desperation being defined as the point at which you're willing to compromise on the qualities of the person desired. This is the point where you give up on finding a 'soulmate' and settle with whoever you happen to be standing beside.
Well, I'm not desperate and I don't want to 'settle'. I may feel a sort of desperation to meet the woman who will 'complete' me; but this is not the same as being desperate to find companionship (regardless of who it's with). Nor is it the case that I'll be incomplete if I don't find this woman. I feel I would be more alone if I settled for a woman that was not my, so called, soulmate (with this said, I don't believe that there exists only one woman for me that I have to, somehow, find).
The last comment I'd like to make on this topic is in regards to 'looks' (the physical aspect). I find it bizarre that it's 'shallow' to be attracted to a person based on physical appearance, when it's not 'shallow' to be attracted to a person based on intellect or personality. We've exploited women's physical beauty (ie. advertising) for so long, that it's become taboo to comment on a woman's physical beauty. It's socially awkward to comment on a women's physical features at first meeting, even if that's the first thing you notice (not saying whether it's right or wrong, just an observation). On the other hand, it isn't socially awkward to comment on athletic ability or intellectual aptitude.
When my friends hear me say that I'm picky, they sometimes assume that I'm talking about 'the physical' (which I am, partly), but I'm looking for more than just 'good looks'. It's the combination of depth of character and physical beauty that I want to find (a beauty that radiates from the inside). I desire physical beauty, but I equally desire emotional, mental, and spiritual compatibility.
I leave you with Shakespeare's Sonnet 116...
This is a very hard thing to accept in a world where emphasis is placed on being in control (or at least having the illusion of control). We're taught that if we put our minds to 'it', we can do anything. This seems to be true when talking about acquiring things... money, power, knowledge, happiness, etc... If you try hard enough you can acquire these things; however, this is not true of love. The harder you try to find love or force it to 'happen', the harder it is to find.
Now, lately I find myself desiring love and companionship, but find its not something that can be 'caught' easily. I find that it's a lot like trying to fall asleep on a sleepless night... the more I think about trying to sleep, the harder it becomes to fall asleep. But, as soon as I quit worrying about sleeping, I will most likely fall asleep.
My friends don't seem to understand why I'm having a hard time finding companionship. To them it seems that I get along with women quite easily and I have female friends, so what's the problem? They also confuse my desire for companionship with 'desperation'. Desperation being defined as the point at which you're willing to compromise on the qualities of the person desired. This is the point where you give up on finding a 'soulmate' and settle with whoever you happen to be standing beside.
Well, I'm not desperate and I don't want to 'settle'. I may feel a sort of desperation to meet the woman who will 'complete' me; but this is not the same as being desperate to find companionship (regardless of who it's with). Nor is it the case that I'll be incomplete if I don't find this woman. I feel I would be more alone if I settled for a woman that was not my, so called, soulmate (with this said, I don't believe that there exists only one woman for me that I have to, somehow, find).
The last comment I'd like to make on this topic is in regards to 'looks' (the physical aspect). I find it bizarre that it's 'shallow' to be attracted to a person based on physical appearance, when it's not 'shallow' to be attracted to a person based on intellect or personality. We've exploited women's physical beauty (ie. advertising) for so long, that it's become taboo to comment on a woman's physical beauty. It's socially awkward to comment on a women's physical features at first meeting, even if that's the first thing you notice (not saying whether it's right or wrong, just an observation). On the other hand, it isn't socially awkward to comment on athletic ability or intellectual aptitude.
When my friends hear me say that I'm picky, they sometimes assume that I'm talking about 'the physical' (which I am, partly), but I'm looking for more than just 'good looks'. It's the combination of depth of character and physical beauty that I want to find (a beauty that radiates from the inside). I desire physical beauty, but I equally desire emotional, mental, and spiritual compatibility.
I leave you with Shakespeare's Sonnet 116...
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
posted by Lee at 9:51 p.m.
5 Comments:
Lee, I would like thank you for your posts. Everytime I read your blog I find you answering a question I've had or describing something I think but cannot articulate.
I very much agree with your thoughts in this post. I find it strange how our culture deems you almost as abnormal if you are single for long periods of time. Yet a single person conveying a desire to find someone gets labelled so immediately and negatively as desperate.
We should be able to express the desires that God has placed deep in our hearts. In the past I have felt like I need to act all casual about being single and at all costs pretend I don't have any desire to be in a relationship - just to avoid the whole desperate label. And that's rubbish.
Keep being picking Lee. And thank you again for your insight.
Thanks for the comment Shannon, it is much appreciated. I'm glad you can pull something of worth from my ramblings.
...and thanks for putting a link to my blog on your page!
~later
I agree on what you are saying, Lee. As you know I will be one year older soon and I have been thinking about the same topic. It is not that I worry about ever meeting the right person but as one get older one tends to wonder about having a family. You are right, you shouldn’t have to settle. I know what it is like when a relationship is without love and respect. Compatibility is so important since you will be spending the rest of your life with that person. When you eventually meet that special someone, then you’ll appreciate him/her more. And it is only fair to other person when you love him/her completely.
would it be shallow of me to say that i think you are a pretty man?
HAHAHA... Mike, you always know what buttons to push
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